Grief Support Guide

When we experience a major loss, grief is the normal and natural way our mind and body react. Everyone grieves differently, and at the same time there are common patterns people tend to share.

Someone experiencing grief usually moves through a series of emotional stages, such as shock, numbness, guilt, anger and denial. Physical responses are typical also — sleeplessness, inability to eat or concentrate, lack of energy, and lack of interest in activities previously enjoyed.

Time always plays an important role in the grieving process. As the days, weeks and months go by, the person experiencing loss moves through emotional and physical reactions that normally lead toward acceptance, healing and getting on with life as fully as possible.

Sometimes a person can become overwhelmed or bogged down in the grieving process. Someone who is having trouble beginning to actively re-engage in life after a few months should consider getting professional help. If continual depression or physical symptoms such as loss of appetite, inability to sleep, or chronic lack of energy persists, it is probably time to see a doctor.

Accepting a Loss

For each of us — rich or poor, young or old — there are times in our lives when we must face and deal with personal losses and the pain and sorrow they cause. Many events and transitions bring with them sadness and a need to grieve, like:

• Being told you have a serious, possibly terminal illness
• Having to give up interests and activities that have been a major part of your life
• Seeing serious decline in mental or physical health of someone you love
• Retiring from a work career or voluntary activity that has helped shape who you are
• Losing a significant part of your independence and mobility
• Moving out of your home
• Saying goodbye to a favorite pet

Losses such as these are simply part of living. Like their counterparts among the joyful occasions in our lifetime — the birth of a child, a celebration of marriage, an enduring friendship — they are part of what it means to share in the human experience.

Someone you love has died. You are now faced with the difficult, but important, need to mourn. Below are practical suggestions to help you move toward healing.

The time of death can be mystifying and troubling to a young person. We at G & P Melas Funeral Directors help children understand the processes of dying, death and bereavement. As in all situations, honesty is the best way to deal with children. We encourage children to be part of the funeral by putting pictures, letters or other meaningful items in the coffin.

Caring for a Surviving Child

Talk to the child in a language they can understand. Remember to listen to the child and try to understand what they are saying — and just as importantly, what they are not saying. Children need to feel that the death is an open subject and that they can express their thoughts or questions as they arise.

In helping children understand and cope with death, remember four key concepts: Be Loving, Be Accepting, Be Truthful and Be Consistent.

Explanations That May Not Help

Children tend to be very literal. Simple but dishonest answers can increase their fear and uncertainty:

• "They will sleep in peace forever" — may result in the child's fear of going to bed or to sleep
• "It is God's will" — the child may decide to be bad so God won't take them too
• "They went on a long trip" — the child may feel something they did caused the person to leave
• "They were sick and went to the hospital" — the child may become extremely fearful if anyone has to go to hospital

How to Help a Child Deal with Loss

• Set time aside to talk to the child as soon as possible after the death
• Give facts in a simple manner — the child will ask more questions as they arise
• Use the correct language — say "dead" and "die", not "sleeping" or "went away"
• Ask questions like, "What are you feeling?" and "What do you think has happened?"
• Explain your feelings, especially if you are crying. Give them permission to cry too
• Talk about the visitation period and funeral — find out if your child wants to attend
• Think about ways a child can say goodbye: writing a letter, drawing a picture, placing flowers
• Watch for behaviour changes — if they are cause for concern, seek professional help

Including Children in the Funeral

Excluding children from the funeral will delay their grieving and hinder their ability to deal with death and loss later in life. Some practical ideas:

• Have them draw a picture of a happy memory to place in the casket or with the urn
• Have them write a letter to say "I love you" one more time and to say goodbye
• They can pick or buy flowers to place with the casket
• Older children can act as honorary pallbearers, read a selection, or act as ushers
• Spend time explaining what a funeral is about — the day will be much easier for them if they know what to expect

Here are some tips that may help you and the rest of the family recover from the death of your parent.

• Keep communication open — Your siblings understand more than anyone what your loss entails. Remember each family member has a personal loss and will mourn for different reasons and in different ways.
• Find trusted confidants — Ask one or two close friends for permission to use them as sounding boards. There are also professionals you may call on: your doctor, your clergy, a counselor or your funeral director.
• Create a memorial — A donation to a favorite charity, a memorial in your family church, a tree planted in their memory, or a permanent memorial at their college or university.
• Draw on your faith — How does your faith or spirituality address the issue of dying? How does it help you make sense of life?
• Carry their legacy forward — Although your parent is physically gone, they will continue to live through you. The values they gave you will affect you for the rest of your life. Take what is good and incorporate it more fully into your life.